Grief… You don’t get over it. You carry it.
Some days it’s sadness, some days it’s rage, and some days it’s just standing there, not knowing what to do…
I’ve been lying about grief for years. Not intentionally… but I’ve been performing the version everyone can stomach. The one that makes people comfortable, the one that suggests I’m “healing well” and “moving through it beautifully.”
There’s a kind of grief that doesn’t cry – it seethes; it throws open closets, curses the sunrise, and wonders if anyone else feels this furious. That’s the kind of grief no one wants to talk about…
Grief rage shows up in the smallest moments – furious at their toothbrush still in the holder, at the expired yogurt they’ll never eat, at your own hands for automatically setting an extra plate.
The anger catches you off guard because you prepared for sadness – bought the tissues, cleared your schedule, braced for tears… But this? This rage at objects, at mornings, at your own reflection? This fury that has no appropriate target and no acceptable outlet? That’s the ambush no one warns you about, when grief stops looking like sorrow and starts looking like wanting to punch holes in walls.
If you’ve ever asked: why am I angry, is anger normal in grief, why grief makes you so angry – you’re not alone. It’s a truth… and maybe… it’s time we stopped whispering about it, because here’s what I’ve learned about the difference between healing and performing healing: the emotions we’re taught to hide are often the ones holding the most truth.
Before the Match Strikes
You know that moment when someone asks: “How are you?” and you almost tell the truth?
Almost…
But then you remember nobody really wants to hear how Tuesday you found their t-shirt in the closet and just… stood there. How a stupid t-shirt undid you. How you held it like evidence of a crime nobody else believes happened.
They say grief makes you sad. They’re not wrong, but they’re not right either. Nobody mentions the rage. How it shows up unannounced, wearing work clothes, ready to tear down everything you’ve carefully rebuilt.
I used to think anger meant I was failing at loss. Like there was some grief handbook I hadn’t read, some rules about moving through stages in order, checking boxes, graduating to acceptance.
But here’s what they don’t tell you: sometimes love comes out sideways. Sometimes it comes out as fury because fury is easier than admitting that love has nowhere left to go. That all that care and tenderness and daily choosing is just… circling your body now, looking for an exit.
The world wants you quiet. Wants you grateful for what you had. Wants you to package your emotional pain into something inspirational, something others can use.
But what if the most honest thing you can do is admit that sometimes you’re not grateful?
Sometimes you’re just pissed… at them for leaving, at yourself for not being enough to make them stay, at the morning for coming anyway, at your own heart for still beating when theirs no longer there… and I do not think it’s a failure, I think that’s just love telling the truth…
There’s a moment when the world insists you should be grateful, peaceful, “healed” – and instead you’re burning with something so raw it scares even you. They call it destructive. They call it toxic. They call it everything except what it actually is…
I’ve spent years in the ‘mindfulness‘ world watching people try to spiritually bypass their way around the inconvenient truth of their own intensity. But what if that fire you’re carrying isn’t the enemy of love… what if it’s love’s most honest expression?
This isn’t about anger management, emotional regulation, or ‘finding your calm’. This is about finding your truth, even when it wears clothes that make everyone uncomfortable.
For everyone who’s been told they feel too much, love too hard, or care too deeply – sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is stop pretending you’re not on fire.
So, what does your anger know about love that your peace doesn’t?
***
Don’t tell me anger’s wrong,
it’s the only honest thing I’ve got right now…
under all this heat, this rage, this mess –
Love…
still Love…
always Love,
just wearing its inside-out clothes…
(2018, © Julia Delaney)
Be Alive 🌱
Love ❤️, Julia
beyond anger management
Before the Match Strikes (grief, anger & the love beneath it)
Grief… You don’t get over it. You carry it. Some days it’s sadness, some days [...]
When Love Needs to Burn (a raw truth about the anger stage of grief)
Why am I so angry while grieving? If you’ve been asking yourself this question, you’re [...]
How to Control Anger Without Being Consumed by It (J. Krishnamurti, Ram Dass & Carl Jung on anger)
How to control anger without losing yourself in the process – that’s the real question. [...]
Can’t Express Anger? (suppressed anger & where your body holds it)
“They told me to breathe through it. I did. But the air air kept burning“ [...]
Healing through Loss
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